Lonnie and his wife Selma moved in next door to me last week. They appeared to be nice and sweet until I noticed Lonnie running after Selma from their home screaming how much he loved her. When he caught me watching, Lonnie approached me with tears in his eyes.
"I gave her everything!" Comforting him with my opened arms and stove filled with hot soul food, I invited Lonnie in.
We sat and talked about his marriage for hours. Lonnie then left and I had not seen him since. Weeks had passed and there were new neighbors moving in. They too were a married couple. I spoke to the husband one morning and noticed something familiar about him. It was a Lonnie! He had a clean shave and a new truck. Months had passed and it was no secret that Lonnie couldn't hold this marriage together either. The woman packed her bags and almost ran me over getting away from him.
There was something wrong with this situation. Lonnie was very attractive and he made great money working as an Engineer. Those women were crazy to leave him! I walked up to Lonnie as he sat crying on the front porch.
"They're all fools. You're a great guy." Lonnie thanked me and offered to take me out. I agreed since all I did was watch naked men on the computer.
Lonnie picked me up in front of my house even though I lived right next door. I thought it was sweet. We dined at an exclusive restaurant and entwined in Lonnie's den watching his 60in plasma TV. Being a perfect gentlemen, I couldn't see why those women would leave such a man like Lonnie. Enjoying the night of pampering as Lonnie rubbed my feet, massaged my aching back and held me so close to his bare chest, I wanted to indulge in the mountain of sexiness under me, but I didn't want Lonnie to know how horny I was. After dropping me off at my front door, Lonnie kissed me on my cheek. We set up another date and I floated into my living room on a cloud of love.
The second date with Lonnie was a little strange. He had offered to feed me strawberries on the living room floor, but I was still in aw of how clingy Lonnie was. He had been by my side all day and even stood outside of the bathroom when I had to pee. Lonnie also had a habit that drove me up the wall. He gritted his teeth! Lonnie also didn't flush the toilet when he used it and the mother of them all. Lonnie had the worst intestines in the world. He would fart right in front of me. The smell could cure AIDS! I excused myself and ran out of the back door.
A few minutes later, Lonnie knocked on my door. He was screaming that I had abandoned him. This man was insane. I called the police when Lonnie broke my window and tried to enter.
"I loved you girl! I gave you everything!" Yeah he did. Lonnie had literally given me everything he had INSIDE.
A year later, I met a man with a mansion in Los Angeles. He was the sexiest man on the planet until he had flown me out for one week to be with him. Those abs of his were painted on top of a blob. His perfect straight teeth were dentures and his face was a mask of makeup. The fifty year old sugar daddy I thought I had found was an eighty year old Alzheimer patient with erectile dysfunction. He thought I was his wife that he met on a movie set forty years ago!
This can't be my life!!!