Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Selma!

  Selma  Davis,  formally  a  Taylor,  was  the  more  accomplished  of  Grandma  Terry's  litter.  She  had  multiple  degrees  and  currently  worked  as  a  Criminal  Prosecutor  for  the  state  of  Utah.  Auntie  Selma  was  married  to  Wayne  Davis,  a  formal  Federal  Judge.  They  never  had  any  children  together,  but  Auntie  Selma  had  a  relationship  with  Wayne's  four  children.  Wayne's  ex  wife  was  suffering  from  brain  cancer  and  Auntie  Selma  accompanied  her  to  doctor  appointments.  That's  a  lot  of  information  for  a  teenager  to  know,  but  I  spent  most  of  my  summers  with  my  Uncle  Tyler.  He  was  a  true  Taylor.  Red  boned  with  shoulder  length  jet  black  curly  hair.  Although,  Uncle  Tyler  was  shorter  than  a  puberty  stricken  preteen,  every  woman  wanted  to  be  with  him.  Aside  from  his  occasional  cocaine  habit,  Uncle  Tyler  was  really  a  great  guy!  I'm  not  just  saying  that  because  he  indirectly  allowed  me  to  get  drunk,  while  he  and  his  friends  would  bust  deeper  holes  through  their  noses.


    Uncle  Tyler  and  Auntie  Selma  weren't  that  close,  but  shared  a  business  relationship.  Being  married  to  a  formal  judge,  Auntie  Selma  had  connections  all  over  the  United  States.  Whenever  Uncle  Tyler  would  get  in  trouble,  he  never  saw  the  inside  of  a  jail  cell.  Usually,  he  was  just  warned  and  released  from  police  custody.  In  return,  Uncle  Tyler  would  snitch  to  Wayne's  formal  colleagues  about  extremely  large  drug  smuggling.  There  was  nothing  Uncle  Tyler  wouldn't  tell  me  when  he  was  high!  Auntie  Selma  was  visiting  Uncle  Tyler  for  "exchange  of  information".  I  had  not  seen  my  Auntie  in  years.  The  last  time  she  saw  me,  I  was  going  into  of  rehab.  Alcoholism  also  runs  in  my family.


    I  told  Mama  that  Auntie  Selma  was  coming  for  a  visit.  All  she  did  was  fart  and  began  snoring  again.  I  waited  for  Uncle  Tyler  to  call  me  once  the  "business"  was  taken  care  of,  so  that  I  could  see  my  Aunt  Selma.  Mama  had  gone  to  the  store  for  more  cigarettes.  I  knew  she  did  it  on  purpose  since  I  told  her  Uncle  Tyler  would  call  at  five  o'clock.  It  was  four-forty.  Sitting  by  the  phone  waiting  for  that  call,  I  began  to  think  about  how  Auntie  Selma  came  from  a  family  of  drug  abusers  and  turned  her  life  into  an  American  dream.  She  had  inspire  me  to  return  to  school  and  become  some  one  great.  It  was  going  on  six  o'clock  and  no  phone  call.  I  called  Uncle  Tyler,  but  he  didn't  answer.  That  was  strange.  A  few  minutes  later,  Uncle  Tyler  called  me  to  tell  me  he  was  arrested  for  possession.  I  knew  he  wouldn't  be  in  long,  so  I  stayed  up  to  wait  for  his  release.


    Mama  came  in  late  that  night.  I  sat  in  the  kitchen  reading  a  brochure  for  a  local  college.  Mama  walked  by  me  with  a  smile  on  her  face.  That  was  a  red  flag.  Whenever  Mama  smiled,  something  was  wrong!
    "You  know  your  precious  Auntie  Selma?  Well  she  and  Tyler  are  in  jail!  Wayne  found  out  her  little  secret."  I  gave  Mama  the  meanest  side  eye  look  in  the  world.  She  set  them  up!  Mama  was  known  to  plot  the  most  devious,  malicious  acts  known  to  man!
    "What  did  you  do  this  time,  you  hateful  bitch?!"  That  only  fueled  Mama's  laughter.
    "Nothing.  But  you  can't  interfere  with  an  investigation  by  withholding  information.  You  know  I  know  that!" Mama  howled  with  laughter.
    "I  can  only  imagine  the  look  on  Wayne's  face  when  he  went  to  bail  her  out,  and  found  out  Selma's  real  name  is  Sam!"  Bellowing  a  hideous  scream,  Mama  slid  out  of  the  chair  and  hit  the  floor.  She  was  still  laughing!